Dark and twisty on the inside. That’s me. I’m not peppy, or bubbly, or obnoxiously happy. Don’t get me wrong, I have happy moments, but happy is not an adverb most would use to describe me. I’ve tried to be happy, I want to be happy, but I can’t be. I am incapable of conventional happiness.
I love my family, I love my husband, I love my children. I am fortunate to have them in my life. Yet, I am still dark and twisty.
“Who ate your soul?” This is what my now husband asked me once while we were dating when I made an insensitive comment to a friend about her boyfriend’s cystic fibrosis. In hind sight, it was not the most sensitive subject to shed light on, and definitely was not my best moment. I did what I do best. I told the blunt, brutal truth.
Why am I dark and twisty you ask? Well, that fact remains to be seen really. I had your average childhood, with an average family, with above average aspirations for my life. Now maybe the beginning of my dark and twisty nature began when my life plan fell to pieces in front of my very eyes in an instant, never to be seen again.
From the beginning of my dark and twisty nature goes to the state of today’s world may be the reason why I have remained dark and twisty and probably had the effect multiplied a million times. Recessions, riots, the heightening of racial tension once again, etc. Turning on the news anymore is like saying “how depressed and enraged can I become today? Let’s find out shall we!” So I don’t. Ignorance is bliss right?
I also think my environment growing up had a huge contributing factor to my dark and twisty, introverted nature. MY MOTHER. I love her because she’s my mom, she gave birth to me and made endless sacrifices so I could have all the opportunities in life, do better than she did, etc. I don’t know if she was so hard on me just because she expected so much of me or what, but she can go from sweetheart to raving lunatic in .01 seconds (a new record).
She can be the best mother in the world, and then bam, she hits me with condescending remarks about my parenting, my job, my housekeeping abilities, my appearance, my weight, my choice of husband, etc. You name it, she has something to say to me on the subject and it isn’t going to be positive. I’m not sure if she realizes how much she hurts me or not, but encounters with her usually leave me seething in rage and crying. I can’t talk to her about it because there is no way in hell she can be reasonable and hear me out. I’ve tried telling her how I feel, and am hit with a guilt trip of epic proportions.
I think a lot of her judgement stems from her disappointment in the road my choices have taken me, but isn’t hindsight 20-20? I realize I’ve made many mistakes, but without those, I would not be with the man I love, I wouldn’t have my children (of whom I adore 90% of the time) and I wouldn’t have found what I believe to be my calling (nursing).
This is where my philosophy comes from. You cannot please everyone and will break your spirit trying. So do what you can. Make yourself happy because at the end of the day, you have to be able to face yourself in the mirror knowing you’re doing your best.
Besides, dark and twisty has become part of my charm. 😝