Who am I anymore?

I have not written in awhile. It isn’t because I was at a loss to write, or even that I didn’t want to write. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I have been battling hypothyroidism for the past 7 years, with only 5 of those years with an official diagnosis. I am on the losing side of the battle presently.

I went to my general practitioner a few months back for anxiety and depression. After trying three medications, my doctor recommended blood work to see if there was another reason for my moods. The results surprised me. I honestly expected it to all be normal and just me being chemically unbalanced and trying another medication.

My thyroid levels are off. After being on meds for 5 years and the same dosage working for all those years, it is no longer working. It seems that a lot of my ailments I’ve been dealing with are actually symptoms of hypothyroidism. My general practitioner became uncomfortable with the whole situation, and referred me to an endocrinologist an hour away. I hope this endocrinologist is able to help get me leveled back out. My appointment was scheduled in March for July 29.

I’ve heard great things about her and one of my friends was even surprised I got in to see her. My hopes are high for this appointment. I have been experiencing EVERY single symptom listed online. I am in complete misery. I am tired of feeling like someone looking in on my life, rather than someone living my life. I have lost myself to this disease and I want to get that back.

Who am I anymore? I really don’t know.

I work out!

I’ve  officially been seriously in the gym for a week now. In the beginning, I was sluggish and my motivation was waning. I wanted to work out because I wanted to lose weight and claim my body back from birthing three children and hypothyroidism. The first few days of following IIFYM were very sketchy, at best. I begrudgingly dragged my ass to the gym, with the help of my four year old daughter who likes to go play with the kids in the child watch. Sad huh? 

Last night, I stepped on the scale wearily. I hate stepping on the scale, especially since I’ve also started lifting heavily to transform my body. It’s discouraging. I discovered that I was down 3 pounds since the previous Thursday. It made me realize that despite the struggle, it is working! My hard work is not in vain. I can’t see body changes yet, but I feel more energy, my body feels different. Good different. 

A few days ago at work, I was able to move and lift things I wasn’t able to move or lift before. I’m getting stronger!   I’m only doing a beginners lifting program to get my body acclimated to lifting, but it’s working! I can only imagine what’s going to happen from here. On a bright note, I ran out of thyroid medication and really didn’t want to fill it again since it’s the wrong dosage. So, I’ve lost 3 pounds without help from my mess. WIN! 

I keep telling myself it’s all about baby steps and taking it one day at a time. One meal at a time. One workout at a time. I am becoming a gym fanatic and I love it! Im feeling more comfortable in my own skin already.

Goodbye insecure fattie! Hello confident, fit mom!

Hey God, it’s me

My faith in God is something that I’ve struggled with almost my entire life. Is there a God? Is there a such thing as Heaven or Hell? What will the afterlife be like? If God loves all of His children, and we are all His children, why does He allow bad things to happen to us? Why does He give us free will instead of us always doing what’s right? 

The list could go on and on. I find myself going through phases of belief or disbelief. There are times when I truly feel His presence, and many times I feel all alone. I go to a bible study weekly, and during that time, I feel so close and in tune with God and His plan for my life, but shortly after, the feeling is gone.I feel Him, I feel worthy, I feel closer to Him, and then nothing. 

Years ago, I converted to Catholicism. During that transition, I went through the longest extended period of belief without doubt of my life. I miss that. I miss feeling like He is listening. I miss feeling something instead of only going through the motions. I have not gone to church in awhile. While I know that God is everywhere and not just in church,  I feel like maybe those messages may help me rekindle , rebuild, and nurture my relationship with my Heavenly Father. 

I don’t discuss religion much with others. I don’t try to foist my religion on others. My religion is very private. Maybe that’s where I’ve been going wrong. My religion is a part of me. It’s as much a part of me as anything else, so why not display it, proclaim it, rejoice in it? 

I feel like God has been calling to me to help minister to others and help others. I wasn’t sure how. However, through the miracles of social media, I found a way to volunteer some time and help out some who need it, with an organization in my town called Jesus Feeds. Every Friday, they pack 450 sack lunches for hungry children. Then on Saturday, pass those out. It’s a cause I feel committed to and I am excited about it! 

I have other ways I want to minister and share my testimony, but I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet. When the timing is right, God will let me know and lead me in the path I should go.  

I am ready to take God’s journey for my life. Who’s with me?

200 lbs of yuck 

  
This my friends is what I call 200 lbs of yuck. I have been battling hypothyroidism for about 5 years now and it has all come to a head. I hate the way the extra weight makes me look, feel, I hate the way I look and feel in my clothing. Clothes shopping is enough to send me into an anxiety ridden and depressed about everything frenzy of tears.

Recently, after an appointment with my family physician, it was determined that my thyroid levels aren’t responding to my current dosage of thyroid medication anymore and they would feel more comfortable referring me to an endocrinologist rather than fiddle with the dosages themselves. Once I finally finished playing phone tag with the one employee that is allowed to schedule appointments, my appointment was scheduled. FOR JULY 29! So now I’m waiting for that. Meanwhile, I’m taking a dosage of medication daily that is essentially doing me no good. By the time my appointment gets here, I’ll have been doing that for 5 months.

Yesterday, I decided I was tired of being miserable, fat, and uncomfortable in my own body. So, I threw myself into researching the IIFYM lifestyle change. I was overwhelmed. Luckily, I have a very good friend that has been doing it for awhile and has it down to a science. She has been a huge help. I started eating this way today and it’s been simple really. The My Fitness Pal app makes it easier than I ever imagined it could be.

My problem with my attempts in the past was I was depriving myself of things I desperately wanted. I would tell myself no for a week or two, and then binge and destroy my efforts when I finally gave in. I think that the IIFYM fits my lifestyle and will work for me because I can make it fit me.

I also started a beginners lifting program. I am no longer afraid to look bulky or gross because of muscle mass. I see a few women in my gym who weight lifting has transformed into rocking bodies.  I want that. I want a hard, fit body that I’ve worked my ass off for.

Usually, I feel stupid about weightlifting, but today, with my workout plan, I felt empowered. I felt like I knew what I was doing. I love this feeling of being fit. It’s a journey and will be long, but I am excited to see where this journey takes me.

Happy happy birthday 

When I began this endeavor to blog, I promised myself I’d write every day. That lasted a whole 11 days, which is far longer than I anticipated. I took an involuntary hiatus due to work, kids, and the festivities of my birthday and Mother’s Day. So, I’ll do a quick recap of my time off. Last Friday was my 28th birthday, and it was oh so eventful. Yawn.

My day began at 7:15 am when I sprung out of bed, hair disheveled, in my night gown, no bra, realizing I was late waking my oldest son up for school. I got him to the car and quickly checked my bank account for any changes. My husband’s paycheck was deposited, but there had been a purchase at Walmart I hadn’t made, and I was almost certain dear hubby had no gone either. I quickly called him only to discover I had ruined my birthday surprise. In my haste, I missed what he had set up for me after working all night and going to the store to grab it. I felt awful, but still felt the much appreciated sentiment. I spent the rest of the day watching Netflix, and lounging. I did manage to fit in a trip to get my hair trimmed because it was in serious need of some TLC.

After that, I went to my parent’s house and was surprised with a cake and a kickass chicken pot pie my mom makes. That and my husband’s gesture made my whole day. For my birthday, I took a few days off from work, so I promised the kids a water park trip on Saturday. 

That was the trip from hell. We got a late start. I hate running behind, even if there was no set time. I had a schedule in my head I wanted to stick to. We make the hour trip there, only to pull into the parking lot with a flat tire. Oh joy. We went on in to try to salvage the trip. It was hot and miserable. We went out to eat our lunches and the dear husband got to change the tire in a cement jungle in 90+ degree weather. 

After lunch, we get all the way back in the park to realize the water park shut down for a while for maintenance and safety checks. After profusely promising the kids a trip again at the end of the month, we made the journey home. I could’ve kissed the drive way after that miserable experience. Back in my bubble. With my cup, chaise lounge, pillow, blanket, and book. 

Being an introvert is such hard work.

The Raven

  
I was sitting on my couch, trying to avoid cleaning, and turned on Netflix. I added The Raven to my Netflix list forever ago, and, much like all the other items in my list, I’ve never gotten around to watching it. Until today. Bom, Bom, Bom. 

I am a HUGE lover of Edgar Allan Poe’s work and have never been disappointed. So, of course, when I read the description of this movie, I was intrigued, excited, and wondering how wonderful or awful this movie would be. There would be no in between. 

Much like anything, I went into this very skeptically. I didn’t think it was going to be good. In my head, I already knew it would be awful.

The beginning scene begins with a murder in Poe’s Baltimore. A double murder of a mother and daughter. The police are at a loss. Then, the Inspector can’t help but feel he’s seen this murder before. He can’t quite put his finger on it.  Another murder. Grisly. Man tied to a block in a pit killed by blade attached to pendulum. Inspector Fields finally knows why it is all so familiar. He’s read these scenes in Edgar Allan Poe’s work. 

To solve these murders, he needs one thing. The help of Edgar Allan Poe. John Cusack plays an amazing Poe. I won’t go into the story much more, because as you know, I don’t believe in spoilers, but if you find yourself given the opportunity to see this movie or you have Netflix and time you must WATCH THIS MOVIE! It’s got suspense, mystery, thrills, love and more! 

An absolute must see!

My rating: 🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷

Mystery

Ever have one of those once in a lifetime friendships you think will last forever, and it doesn’t? There is no falling out, no argument, no confrontation. It just ends, with no rhyme or reason. 

I had one of these many years ago. I was in my first year of college, 1300 some odd miles from home, and had some serious life experiences happening. Her name was Meg and the school arranged for her to just kinda be there for me. In the beginning, I was wondering if she was only there for me out of a sense of obligation, but the more we did together, the more I realized it wasn’t that.  We had a legitimate friendship, and for the first time in my entire life, I felt like I belonged somewhere.

At the end of that first year of college, I moved back home to go to school and deal with stuff happening to me and around me. We vowed to keep in touch, despite the distance. And we did! For all of a year. I even went to New York from Georgia to visit, and made another lifelong friend along the way.

We continued to keep in touch after the visit through Facebook, emails, and phone calls. The Facebook and emails went from few and far between to nothing and the phone calls began to go unanswered. To my knowledge I hadn’t done anything offensive or to warrant a “break up”. I tried many Facebook messages just to ask what, if anything, had happened. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. 

I gave up, and eventually through my Facebook spring cleaning binges I unfriended her and moved on reluctantly from a friend who was there for me through some rough times and meant the world to me. It was heartbreaking. 

A few years later, I caught up on Facebook with the mutual friend I made through her and we are in touch quite often to this day. He and his wife are also godparents to my children. I once asked if he knew what had happened. Either he truly doesn’t or he played dumb, but that conversation went nowhere. That was okay. 

About six months ago, plagued by curiosity, I typed her name into the Facebook search bar, and there she was. Engaged to a preacher and living in North Carolina. I decided to shoot her a friend request, and see what transpired. My friend request was accepted. Almost immediately. That’s where it all ceased. No responses to messages, comments, or likes. Why my friend request went accepted is beyond me. 

Through Facebook I found out she is getting married next week, and I feel so much joy for her to have found the one and I wish her all the happiness in the world. Deep down, I miss the only friend who ever truly cared about me. A huge part of me wants to send her well wishes on Facebook. While another part says that season of life is over, it was nice while it lasted, and I need to let go. Do I sound crazy? I feel crazy. 

Such are the mysteries in this thing called life. 

-K