‘Merica

I work in a grocery store deli. This job makes me feel demeaned and empty inside day after day, and there are many things that make the feeling worse. Difficult customers being the most common reason for the worsening feeling of doom, despair, and general disdain for said job that pays in what feels like peanuts on pay day.

We have recently had an increase in people from other cultures coming through daily, which I have no problem with. I have no problem with people from other races, cultures, ethnicities, economical backgrounds, and other walks of life. I also have no problem with people immigrating to America as long as they do so through the proper channels and live and abide by the same laws that I do as an American citizen.

The problem I have is their refusal to even make a meager attempt at utilizing the English language. I understand that the United States of America has no official language. I get that. However, the most commonly used language in America is English. I wouldn’t go to France and get all pissy and self righteous because people didn’t understand me speaking English. I would plan before going and at least make an attempt. These people do not. Not even a little.

There is a group of Haitians that have begun frequenting the deli counter daily. They walk up, and demand things, but not in English. When you apologize for not understanding said demand, they become rude, make wild hand gestures, and point to what they want. Do not get mad at me for not understanding your language, when my native language is English and everyone around me is speaking English. If change is a problem, maybe you should leave.

A few nights ago, an Asian couple walk up to the counter, yelling at each other in their native tongue. They ignore my attempts to help them at first. Finally, the woman shouts something at me, again not in English. I had no idea what she wanted or needed. I tried many times to figure it out, and even tried to see if maybe she could point out the items she was interested in and we could go from there. NO! I was ignored and was basically as useful as the wallpaper for 20 minutes.  Her significant other returns from grabbing something and they begin shouting at each other again. He turns to me, shakes my hand, and tells me there is nothing that I can help them with.

They wasted 20 minutes of time I could have spent helping someone who actually needed something. They were rude, and I felt very demeaned. I am bilingual. I speak English and Spanish. Just because I don’t speak your native tongue and have no idea what you are shouting at me does not make me less of a person. I was born in America and my native tongue is English.

I am over the sense of entitlement so many have when they come to this country. Get over yourself and learn some common decency, respect, and speak the damn language!

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Light at the end of the tunnel

I hate my job. It’s not one specific thing really. It’s everything!

The people make me avoid social situations, the customers make me want to throat punch someone, the managers treat me like I’m 5 and know nothing about anything. The tasks are mundane and it all makes me left wondering if there is something more to life, or is this it for me?

I was feeling antsy about it maybe 6 months in? That’s a bit quick if you ask me. Then, one day, something changed my life. As weird as it may sound, that was Grey’s Anatomy. It made me wonder what if I possibly went back to school, and made my way back into the medical field. Could I? Would I?

Yes I could, and yes I would! Not only would this better my life, my financial situation, and make me happier, this will show my children that no matter what, it’s never too late to change something you are unhappy with.

Last night, I broke down and admitted to my husband that while I’m excited about going back to school in a few weeks, I am nervous and scared of failing. I cried, I rationalized, I talked, and it all comes down to the fact that I never thought I’d be going back to college, ever. But even more so at age 28 after almost 7 years of marriage and three kids.

Fortunately, I have an insanely supportive husband who is there for me every step of the way on this crazy journey.

I said all of that, to say this. I woke up this morning, and didn’t feel so heavy I couldn’t get out of bed. I got up, cleaned my kitchen, made my kids do something besides  being glued to TV and tablets, had a dance party in my shower (ode to Meredith and Christina who would be proud), and feel positive about going into work tonight.

All because, I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Tidbits

So, I took a hiatus, unintentionally. My work schedule, Netflix and Kindle binges, and depression over my rapid deteriorating thyroid have allowed me to let so many things go by the wayside. Appearance, cleaning my house, blogging, etc. I thought I’d start back up with a refreshing list of facts not many people know about me.

1. I hate people. Every job I have ever had has been in customer service and dealing with the public. I am wonderful at it, and have awesome people skills. I just don’t like them. I am, however, great at hiding my disdain for the general public. If there were thought police, I’d be imprisoned for life, if not executed.

2. Southern accents make my ears hurt. Being from the South, this is a problem. The Southern drawl just does not have a place in intelligent conversations to me. It makes people sound ignorant, in my brutally honest opinion.

3. I am addicted to my rebate apps. I am constantly trying to find new ways to earn gift cards with points, get money back on my grocery and other shopping, and fill out survey for extra money. It’s paid off quite often this year.

4. I hate the heat and humidity of the South, but my husband and I are desperate to move to Florida after I finish my RN degree. Seems ludicrous but we love the area we found.

5. Going back to school in a few weeks makes me feel hella old. I know I am by far not even close to the oldest person to be going back to school, but seeing all those fresh faces when I was on campus registering and whatnot made me feel ancient. I don’t know if my kids are aging me quickly or what, but I feel well beyond my 28 years.

6. We have 7 pets, unintentionally. We got one dog, one cat, another dog, another cat. We thought both cats were female, and BAM, a litter of three kittens is born in my living room closet. We immediately said the kittens had to go  as soon as they were of age, but then the prospect seemed cruel. To take her only children away. Alas, we have 7 pets and 3 kids. Essentially, I have 10 kids.

7. I am socially awkward. If given a choice between socialization, and being alone with a book and Netflix, I’ll pick alone EVERY time.

8. I lose my purse, phone, keys, debit card, etc. DAILY. If my head weren’t attached, I’d be searching for it too.

9. The TV show The Middle, is an accurate depiction of my family. Enough said.

10. I am terrified that I won’t hack it in nursing school  because it is my dream job, even though I never knew it was.

11. I am offended be eternally offended people being offended by shit that should never be found offensive.

*Those are just a few things about me not many know. If you are offended, oh well. You probably walk through life being offended.

Thank you 

A few years ago, I was a chiropractic assistant, and for the most part, I loved it. I loved taking care of patients, and I loved the medical field. Then one day, I wasn’t anymore. Times got hard, and I became disposable. It hurts to say it out loud, but in all honesty, that’s what I became. There I was, with three children and all kinds of financial responsibility,and no job. At least I had a husband there to help support us financially, and be there for moral support. 

I immediately began pounding the pavement for anything I could find to bring money in the door. After multiple applications and multiple interviews, and even being hired and told later they had forgotten about me, I got a job. It wasn’t ideal, or even close, but I gave it a chance. Working in a grocery store deli. While it was, and currently is a job, I know this is not a career I want for any longer than absolutely necessary. I went into the job with the notion of going all in. With notions of advancement and making a career, out of this job that I feel embarrassed to do. Not that I feel like I’m too good for it or anything, but I feel with my  intellectual potential, I need more. 

At the end of the day, I not only want the satisfaction of a job well done. I want to help people. I want to be back in the medical field. I have missed it immensely. As cliche as it may sound, I discovered how much I missed it and wanted to be a nurse through really getting engrossed with Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix. In a way, Grey’s Anatomy is a big reason I took charge of my life and found a passion I never knew I had. It took me 27 years to discover what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be, but I found it. 

In that respect, I feel truly lucky. There are those who go their entire lives not knowing what passion is and just going through the motions of life. That’s not living. That’s just surviving. I want to thrive. There is a distinct difference.

I start school in August to finish up a nursing degree, and boy am I excited! I just wanted to thank the man who made it all possible. Thanks to my ex boss for a being a dick, I found a new lease on life and am doing wonderful things for me and my family. Your callousness for others benefitted me and I couldn’t be more thankful. 

Who am I anymore?

I have not written in awhile. It isn’t because I was at a loss to write, or even that I didn’t want to write. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I have been battling hypothyroidism for the past 7 years, with only 5 of those years with an official diagnosis. I am on the losing side of the battle presently.

I went to my general practitioner a few months back for anxiety and depression. After trying three medications, my doctor recommended blood work to see if there was another reason for my moods. The results surprised me. I honestly expected it to all be normal and just me being chemically unbalanced and trying another medication.

My thyroid levels are off. After being on meds for 5 years and the same dosage working for all those years, it is no longer working. It seems that a lot of my ailments I’ve been dealing with are actually symptoms of hypothyroidism. My general practitioner became uncomfortable with the whole situation, and referred me to an endocrinologist an hour away. I hope this endocrinologist is able to help get me leveled back out. My appointment was scheduled in March for July 29.

I’ve heard great things about her and one of my friends was even surprised I got in to see her. My hopes are high for this appointment. I have been experiencing EVERY single symptom listed online. I am in complete misery. I am tired of feeling like someone looking in on my life, rather than someone living my life. I have lost myself to this disease and I want to get that back.

Who am I anymore? I really don’t know.

Hey God, it’s me

My faith in God is something that I’ve struggled with almost my entire life. Is there a God? Is there a such thing as Heaven or Hell? What will the afterlife be like? If God loves all of His children, and we are all His children, why does He allow bad things to happen to us? Why does He give us free will instead of us always doing what’s right? 

The list could go on and on. I find myself going through phases of belief or disbelief. There are times when I truly feel His presence, and many times I feel all alone. I go to a bible study weekly, and during that time, I feel so close and in tune with God and His plan for my life, but shortly after, the feeling is gone.I feel Him, I feel worthy, I feel closer to Him, and then nothing. 

Years ago, I converted to Catholicism. During that transition, I went through the longest extended period of belief without doubt of my life. I miss that. I miss feeling like He is listening. I miss feeling something instead of only going through the motions. I have not gone to church in awhile. While I know that God is everywhere and not just in church,  I feel like maybe those messages may help me rekindle , rebuild, and nurture my relationship with my Heavenly Father. 

I don’t discuss religion much with others. I don’t try to foist my religion on others. My religion is very private. Maybe that’s where I’ve been going wrong. My religion is a part of me. It’s as much a part of me as anything else, so why not display it, proclaim it, rejoice in it? 

I feel like God has been calling to me to help minister to others and help others. I wasn’t sure how. However, through the miracles of social media, I found a way to volunteer some time and help out some who need it, with an organization in my town called Jesus Feeds. Every Friday, they pack 450 sack lunches for hungry children. Then on Saturday, pass those out. It’s a cause I feel committed to and I am excited about it! 

I have other ways I want to minister and share my testimony, but I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet. When the timing is right, God will let me know and lead me in the path I should go.  

I am ready to take God’s journey for my life. Who’s with me?

Happy happy birthday 

When I began this endeavor to blog, I promised myself I’d write every day. That lasted a whole 11 days, which is far longer than I anticipated. I took an involuntary hiatus due to work, kids, and the festivities of my birthday and Mother’s Day. So, I’ll do a quick recap of my time off. Last Friday was my 28th birthday, and it was oh so eventful. Yawn.

My day began at 7:15 am when I sprung out of bed, hair disheveled, in my night gown, no bra, realizing I was late waking my oldest son up for school. I got him to the car and quickly checked my bank account for any changes. My husband’s paycheck was deposited, but there had been a purchase at Walmart I hadn’t made, and I was almost certain dear hubby had no gone either. I quickly called him only to discover I had ruined my birthday surprise. In my haste, I missed what he had set up for me after working all night and going to the store to grab it. I felt awful, but still felt the much appreciated sentiment. I spent the rest of the day watching Netflix, and lounging. I did manage to fit in a trip to get my hair trimmed because it was in serious need of some TLC.

After that, I went to my parent’s house and was surprised with a cake and a kickass chicken pot pie my mom makes. That and my husband’s gesture made my whole day. For my birthday, I took a few days off from work, so I promised the kids a water park trip on Saturday. 

That was the trip from hell. We got a late start. I hate running behind, even if there was no set time. I had a schedule in my head I wanted to stick to. We make the hour trip there, only to pull into the parking lot with a flat tire. Oh joy. We went on in to try to salvage the trip. It was hot and miserable. We went out to eat our lunches and the dear husband got to change the tire in a cement jungle in 90+ degree weather. 

After lunch, we get all the way back in the park to realize the water park shut down for a while for maintenance and safety checks. After profusely promising the kids a trip again at the end of the month, we made the journey home. I could’ve kissed the drive way after that miserable experience. Back in my bubble. With my cup, chaise lounge, pillow, blanket, and book. 

Being an introvert is such hard work.