200 lbs of yuck 

  
This my friends is what I call 200 lbs of yuck. I have been battling hypothyroidism for about 5 years now and it has all come to a head. I hate the way the extra weight makes me look, feel, I hate the way I look and feel in my clothing. Clothes shopping is enough to send me into an anxiety ridden and depressed about everything frenzy of tears.

Recently, after an appointment with my family physician, it was determined that my thyroid levels aren’t responding to my current dosage of thyroid medication anymore and they would feel more comfortable referring me to an endocrinologist rather than fiddle with the dosages themselves. Once I finally finished playing phone tag with the one employee that is allowed to schedule appointments, my appointment was scheduled. FOR JULY 29! So now I’m waiting for that. Meanwhile, I’m taking a dosage of medication daily that is essentially doing me no good. By the time my appointment gets here, I’ll have been doing that for 5 months.

Yesterday, I decided I was tired of being miserable, fat, and uncomfortable in my own body. So, I threw myself into researching the IIFYM lifestyle change. I was overwhelmed. Luckily, I have a very good friend that has been doing it for awhile and has it down to a science. She has been a huge help. I started eating this way today and it’s been simple really. The My Fitness Pal app makes it easier than I ever imagined it could be.

My problem with my attempts in the past was I was depriving myself of things I desperately wanted. I would tell myself no for a week or two, and then binge and destroy my efforts when I finally gave in. I think that the IIFYM fits my lifestyle and will work for me because I can make it fit me.

I also started a beginners lifting program. I am no longer afraid to look bulky or gross because of muscle mass. I see a few women in my gym who weight lifting has transformed into rocking bodies.  I want that. I want a hard, fit body that I’ve worked my ass off for.

Usually, I feel stupid about weightlifting, but today, with my workout plan, I felt empowered. I felt like I knew what I was doing. I love this feeling of being fit. It’s a journey and will be long, but I am excited to see where this journey takes me.

Happy happy birthday 

When I began this endeavor to blog, I promised myself I’d write every day. That lasted a whole 11 days, which is far longer than I anticipated. I took an involuntary hiatus due to work, kids, and the festivities of my birthday and Mother’s Day. So, I’ll do a quick recap of my time off. Last Friday was my 28th birthday, and it was oh so eventful. Yawn.

My day began at 7:15 am when I sprung out of bed, hair disheveled, in my night gown, no bra, realizing I was late waking my oldest son up for school. I got him to the car and quickly checked my bank account for any changes. My husband’s paycheck was deposited, but there had been a purchase at Walmart I hadn’t made, and I was almost certain dear hubby had no gone either. I quickly called him only to discover I had ruined my birthday surprise. In my haste, I missed what he had set up for me after working all night and going to the store to grab it. I felt awful, but still felt the much appreciated sentiment. I spent the rest of the day watching Netflix, and lounging. I did manage to fit in a trip to get my hair trimmed because it was in serious need of some TLC.

After that, I went to my parent’s house and was surprised with a cake and a kickass chicken pot pie my mom makes. That and my husband’s gesture made my whole day. For my birthday, I took a few days off from work, so I promised the kids a water park trip on Saturday. 

That was the trip from hell. We got a late start. I hate running behind, even if there was no set time. I had a schedule in my head I wanted to stick to. We make the hour trip there, only to pull into the parking lot with a flat tire. Oh joy. We went on in to try to salvage the trip. It was hot and miserable. We went out to eat our lunches and the dear husband got to change the tire in a cement jungle in 90+ degree weather. 

After lunch, we get all the way back in the park to realize the water park shut down for a while for maintenance and safety checks. After profusely promising the kids a trip again at the end of the month, we made the journey home. I could’ve kissed the drive way after that miserable experience. Back in my bubble. With my cup, chaise lounge, pillow, blanket, and book. 

Being an introvert is such hard work.

The Raven

  
I was sitting on my couch, trying to avoid cleaning, and turned on Netflix. I added The Raven to my Netflix list forever ago, and, much like all the other items in my list, I’ve never gotten around to watching it. Until today. Bom, Bom, Bom. 

I am a HUGE lover of Edgar Allan Poe’s work and have never been disappointed. So, of course, when I read the description of this movie, I was intrigued, excited, and wondering how wonderful or awful this movie would be. There would be no in between. 

Much like anything, I went into this very skeptically. I didn’t think it was going to be good. In my head, I already knew it would be awful.

The beginning scene begins with a murder in Poe’s Baltimore. A double murder of a mother and daughter. The police are at a loss. Then, the Inspector can’t help but feel he’s seen this murder before. He can’t quite put his finger on it.  Another murder. Grisly. Man tied to a block in a pit killed by blade attached to pendulum. Inspector Fields finally knows why it is all so familiar. He’s read these scenes in Edgar Allan Poe’s work. 

To solve these murders, he needs one thing. The help of Edgar Allan Poe. John Cusack plays an amazing Poe. I won’t go into the story much more, because as you know, I don’t believe in spoilers, but if you find yourself given the opportunity to see this movie or you have Netflix and time you must WATCH THIS MOVIE! It’s got suspense, mystery, thrills, love and more! 

An absolute must see!

My rating: 🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷

Mystery

Ever have one of those once in a lifetime friendships you think will last forever, and it doesn’t? There is no falling out, no argument, no confrontation. It just ends, with no rhyme or reason. 

I had one of these many years ago. I was in my first year of college, 1300 some odd miles from home, and had some serious life experiences happening. Her name was Meg and the school arranged for her to just kinda be there for me. In the beginning, I was wondering if she was only there for me out of a sense of obligation, but the more we did together, the more I realized it wasn’t that.  We had a legitimate friendship, and for the first time in my entire life, I felt like I belonged somewhere.

At the end of that first year of college, I moved back home to go to school and deal with stuff happening to me and around me. We vowed to keep in touch, despite the distance. And we did! For all of a year. I even went to New York from Georgia to visit, and made another lifelong friend along the way.

We continued to keep in touch after the visit through Facebook, emails, and phone calls. The Facebook and emails went from few and far between to nothing and the phone calls began to go unanswered. To my knowledge I hadn’t done anything offensive or to warrant a “break up”. I tried many Facebook messages just to ask what, if anything, had happened. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. 

I gave up, and eventually through my Facebook spring cleaning binges I unfriended her and moved on reluctantly from a friend who was there for me through some rough times and meant the world to me. It was heartbreaking. 

A few years later, I caught up on Facebook with the mutual friend I made through her and we are in touch quite often to this day. He and his wife are also godparents to my children. I once asked if he knew what had happened. Either he truly doesn’t or he played dumb, but that conversation went nowhere. That was okay. 

About six months ago, plagued by curiosity, I typed her name into the Facebook search bar, and there she was. Engaged to a preacher and living in North Carolina. I decided to shoot her a friend request, and see what transpired. My friend request was accepted. Almost immediately. That’s where it all ceased. No responses to messages, comments, or likes. Why my friend request went accepted is beyond me. 

Through Facebook I found out she is getting married next week, and I feel so much joy for her to have found the one and I wish her all the happiness in the world. Deep down, I miss the only friend who ever truly cared about me. A huge part of me wants to send her well wishes on Facebook. While another part says that season of life is over, it was nice while it lasted, and I need to let go. Do I sound crazy? I feel crazy. 

Such are the mysteries in this thing called life. 

-K

Self worth = nothing? 

So, I finished reading Wife of a Lesser Man, and found myself in need of something to read. I began scrolling through my Kindle library to find something to catch my eye. Lo and behold, something jumped out at me. Unconventional by J.J. Hebert. I always go through the free Kindle download list and download multitudes of titles that seem interesting at the time. So obviously my Kindle library is so full I often don’t remember what they may be about.

I pulled up the description on Goodreads and was not too impressed. I decided to be lazy today and read it anyway. I am in love with this book by page 100 but was impressed by page 58. 

Each time they see someone who gathers trash, it’ll be: just the trash man. Whenever they see a man or woman working at McDonald’s or Wendy’s, it’ll be: just the burger- flipper. Whenever they spot someone who collects money at a supermarket or a person who bags groceries, it’ll be: just the cashier and just the bagger. One day, they’ll wake up as adults, with children of their own. They’ll be walking with their kids in a school, and their children will accidentally run into a person carrying out janitorial chores. Then, as parrots, they will recite to their children a phrase they heard it years prior, unaware of its origin: “Don’t worry, it’s just the janitor.” Children aren’t born prejudiced. They don’t hate. They don’t degrade. They learn these things from society. This is one of the greatest tragedies in the world: the circle of prejudice.

This is the passage on page 58 that jumped out and slapped me across the face. I hate my job. I have had a few jobs that people decide are beneath them and are done by people with no education and no value. Waiting tables was one of those. Now, it’s working in a grocery store deli. People dismiss me with “oh it’s just the girl who works the deli counter.” I see the pity in their eyes when they discover I’m not a college kid, but a wife and mother of three.

Now that I am on the road back to school, that sense of pity may vanish, but I doubt it. The thing about those menial jobs is this; someone has to do it. Obviously those who look down on me would never do these jobs, but they are necessary to keep their miserable lives rolling with the service they expect in life. Someone has to pickup trash, flip burgers, drive buses, work in the grocery stores. Some people are just normal, down to earth people, and that’s okay. Some people are destined for more and want to be fancy. That’s okay too. 

But why treat either of those as any less of a person? Like their value is less or more than the other? Think about it.

-K

As We Lay Dying

“An awareness of one’s mortality can lead you to wake up and live an authentic, meaningful life.” -Bernie Siegel

So I started reading this book recently. It’s called The Wife of a Lesser Man by Sandy Appleyard. It’s not supposed to be thought provoking or make you ponder the mysteries of life. It’s just a fluffy suspense read. However, it made my husband really call into question his mortality. It made him realize he is, in fact, scared to die. It made me realize that every moment brings us closer to that moment .

Now, I’m not done with the book, or anywhere close. My husband hasn’t even read it, and won’t because he isn’t a reader. In the beginning of the book, Shelley’s husband Mark has a heart attack and almost dies. When Shelley mentions the ages of her children, I realize just how old Shelley and Mark must be, and realize, that at one point in time, people in their 40’s seemed so old. Now, 40 does not seem old at all. I have a few friends in their 40’s and they all seem young to me.

This is the conversation that was happening with my husband and I on this night, and it made him realize quite a few things. He is not sure what happens in the after life. Will it be heaven or hell? Will it be reincarnation? Or will it just be nothing? A dark abyss? He is afraid to die.

I’m not afraid to die, but I am afraid of being alone. This conversation of death and dying made me realize that. At the thought of my husband dying before me, and being left to fend for myself in this crazy world alone, I realized that I want to die before he does. I have made this life with this man I love with every fiber of my being. I have made children with this man, laughed and cried with this man, and cannot imagine not being able to look at his face, kiss his lips, hug his neck, and snuggle up on the couch with this man.

When I was a teenager, I never imagined part of my identity being an old married lady with children. I thought I wanted no children, wanted no part of marriage, just wanted to be a workaholic. What kind of life is that? That shows how naïve I really was in my young mind.

I found myself at the end of this conversation curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out on my couch. That man of mine, took me in his arms, let me cry all over him, and listened to my crazy fears of being alone. In that moment, I realize how much we care for each other, and just how deep our love goes.

Life changing Sandwiches

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Maya Angelou 

Two people walked into a grocery store to get some deli sandwiches, not realizing that decision alone would cause them to change my life. Forever. For the better. 

A few days ago, I was having one of those days where you don’t want to wake up, everything’s fucked, and everybody sucks. (Excuse my Limp Bizkit reference, I couldn’t help myself.) In light of this, I did not want to be at work that day, or any day for that matter. My job makes me long for so much more, which is why I decide to finish up school to get my RN. 

This particular couple was embarking on a two week road trip vacation from Sarasota, Florida to Kansas. They were probably in their late 50’s and you could tell obviously still very much in love with each other, which is a rarity these days. They enthusiastically ordered their sandwiches and we engaged in small talk and chit chat. 

I don’t usually engage in small talk with customers because everyone is in a rush and wants what they want now and don’t want to be bothered by you having a human experience. There was something different about these people. They were kind, patient, and endearing. Their auras exuded magnanimity and they made me feel at peace. This was the best moment I’ve had at work in quite some time. They thanked me for being pleasant and chatting with them and for remarkable service. It lightened my hardened heart and made me remember that goodwill does still exist, somewhere. 

I don’t remember what they said, and eventually I won’t remember what they did, but I will always remember what they made me feel.

-K